Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize