the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
