There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
