you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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