i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
