Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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