Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
