Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
