I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
