The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
