Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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