You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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