Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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