Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
