I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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