It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
