You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
