Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
