She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
