i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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