I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
