So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
