i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
