I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
