I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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