Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
