I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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