I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
