he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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