he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
