I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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