I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
