Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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