im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
