I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
