Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
