the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
