I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
