If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
