Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
