I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
