I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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