Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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