Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
