ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
please come you make the beer taste better
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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