found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
