I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
