Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
