I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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