I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
