I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
